How to deal with people who continuously hurt you?

This last year has been quite challenging for all of us. With a pandemic adding to all our other concerns it was for sure a year that tested our emotional and physical wellbeing.

If you find yourself facing more often hurtful persons on your way, people who leave you with a feeling of self-doubt and bad energy, you are not alone. With all that is going most of us have been hurtful in a certain moment.

How i define a hurtful person is:

“Someone who is experiencing a pain bigger than oneself and is unable to deal with it, eventually this pain starts getting out and hurts others”

Before going to some suggestions regarding how to deal with a hurtful person, I want to acknowledge that we have all been there previously and sometimes even unintentionally we may have hurt others. This is not an issue of us against them, it is more about finding a way to stop the spread of bad energy and replace that bad energy with a more positive approach so that we can deepen the learning and take better actions to create progress and connection.

As human beings we are created to be a part of a social environment, that willingness to belong to something bigger than us and give our contribution is present in our genes, therefore having the skills to create connection and a positive social environment is crucial to our wellbeing.

When you find yourself dealing with a hurtful person the first step is to apply mindfulness and understand if you are in a good state on a personal level. Try to check up on yourself and define if you have the energy and the inner resources to improve this relationship. Remember “You can`t pour from an empty cup”. If you feel that this relationship is important to you and you have the inner peace to face this challenging interaction then here it is what you should do:

1-     Give them a listening ear.

There stands immense power in listening,  when you truly listen you give to the other person your full attention, you listen to what is being said and what is not being said. You ask questions to get more insights and also invite the other person to a deeper reflection. Make sure you are listening to understand and don`t jump into the role of the hero who gives advice and finds the solution to each problem. The best solution to our problems are the ones that we generate ourselves!

You can start this step with asking just one genuine question: “ How are you really feeling right now?” Or  “How do you want things to be different?”


2-     Silver Lining

If someone is sharing with you the struggles, acknowledge what strengths you are noticing in them. Find a positive approach you can bring in the conversation that may shift the energy and put the focus in strengths instead of weaknesses, in what you have instead of what you`re missing and so on…

3-     Contrast the loneliness

Don`t feel like you have to rescue them, or to find a solution for their problems, the best thing you can do is offer your presence and affection. Let them know you are there for them and that they won`t be alone in this. Let your presence be a support for them and just ask: what can I do to help. Don’t assume, don`t jump into conclusions just be there in a way that is really impacting a positive outcome and creating change.


4-     Keep a healthy distance

This point may seem conflicting with the previous one, but in order to create a more positive relationship and contribute to help others, you have to make sure you protect your inner peace. Identify your safe space and don`t let anything and anyone cross the limits of your inner peace. You can`t bring peace if you are missing it within you!


As I stated before the first step is to check up on ourselves and understand if we are in a state to give and contribute for a positive outcome.  When you can`t stop yourself from absorbing the bad energy and you get drugged in the toxic spiral of criticism just distance yourself and stop the interaction. Remember:

One hurtful person is always better than two!


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